Mutant Message Board
by Midwich Cuckoo
Summary: TCP. Every community has its message boards. What if Marvel mutants had one too?
1. Chapter 1

Did you ever wonder whether the X-Men mutants have their message boards where, safely hidden from flatscans, they can discuss the aspects of their lives pertaining to their mutation? Here is a record of a typical discussion coming from such a board. Enjoy!

_**Disclaimer:**_ I don't own the Marvel universe, unfortunately. The characters created by me for this fic are the only aspect of the X-Men world which I can say I possess.

_**My beta: **_**Moviemom44**_**.**_ I promise I won't ever try to force you to do beta reading for anything of scatological or sexual nature XD XD XD The image instilled into my head by your question about how Mike discovered his unusual power, made me giggle at the very thought of this for the next couple of days – my fertile imagination conjured up for me a very vivid image of a sufferer of a severe case of mental retardation sitting in a huge size toilet bowl and playing with his own poop to discover he's able to turn his feces into roses. This vision was dancing shamelessly in my head for at least two days until I finally managed to get rid of it XD

**Mutant Message Board**

(and its proud members: Cool_pheromone_dude, LikeCarrieWhite, Mutie1, Telepathic?Schizo?Annie, TheWarperGal, ScaredAndAlone, Mike18, OCDJoe, Remover and Bacterium)

**Cool_pheromone_dude**: Hi folks, I had no idea I would ever have an occasion to talk so freely about my mutation with anybody until I found my way into this cool place. So let me share my problem with you: do you have any tips on how to make ALL people not fall madly in love with me at first sight ALL THE TIME? I thought I could use some help from my fellow pheromone manipulators present here.

**LikeCarrieWhite:** Man, I'm not saying that isn't a tough situation, but I wish my problem was only that. Mine is much more serious. You see, my mutation is that my menstrual blood excretes some sort of compound, that if you get too close to it, it fires up your libido, regardless of your orientation. Imagine: me at 13 in the shower after the P.E. lesson and all those gals in the adjacent shower cabins. And then all of a sudden my first period started, just then and there, with all my classmates around… Well, let's maybe drop the curtain of silence on what happened there, you can easily guess that everything went completely crazy and I barely managed to avoid being expelled from school. Even right up until the very end of high school I was known as a major dyke. Everybody was pointing their fingers at me. I can't even go outside when I'm just having my time of the month. I have to be locked in my room because my whole family, even mom and little sis who is only 5 get affected by this. I can tell you all it's a real pain in the ass to be forced to barricade myself in my bedroom behind a specially made iron door for a couple of days every month, like now because… you know what may happen. OMG, I can hear banging on my door. Ooooh SHIT! I can hear something like ax strokes! See ya for now. I'll speak to you later… if I don't kill myself jumping of the window…

**Mutie1:** Maybe some teleporter could move their ass and try to localize this poor girl before her family and the rest of the town get her?

**Telepathic?Schizo?Annie:** I'd do it if I could but I'm only a telepath or at least that's what I hope I am… For the last couple of weeks, I keep hearing strange voices and I have no idea if that's telepathy or schizophrenia and I'm afraid to tell my parents about this.

**TheWarperGal:** Don't even think about telling them. Parents are useless when it comes to stuff like that, believe me on this. I'm an uberpowerful reality warper who created everything that surrounds me but the people I created to be my parents think I'm crazy. When I told them, they took me to a shrink and this pathetic fool told them I'm a schizo with delusions of grandeur. Imagine that! I need any advice on how to convince Mom and Dad that everything's OK with my head and that they aren't even real people??? Maybe I should get rid of them? Come on, it's not like they are even real human beings!

**ScaredAndAlone:** Girl, you are a godsend to me! I need another reality warper to help me! I'm a shy and unattractive teen who can never get a date so I decided to make a perfect girl for myself. But something has gone terribly wrong and now I'm left with an old wrinkled hag who in addition has tentacles between her legs! I tried to turn her into a cute hottie or at least make her disappear, but my powers don't work on her! My parents will be home in an hour. What should I do?

**Mike18:** My gran would help you. She can make anything she wants disappear; that's her power. But she's been locked in an asylum for years, ever since she got obsessed with the thought that she must do something important for the world and made some famous people she didn't like disappear. Oscar Zeta Acosta, Jimmy Hoffa, Joe Pichler. You know, Gran hated all those 'Beethoven' movies and started to pout when they showed one on TV. If you want, tell me what celebrities you wouldn't like to see any more and I'll deliver it to her the next time we visit her. I'd like to be like her but I'm afraid I'm only an ordinary human. A power would already have manifested in me if I were a mutant like my grandma. But I'm trying to find my power. Who knows? Maybe I'm a late bloomer…

**ScaredAndAlone:** Maybe your gran can make this creepy troll TheWarperGal disappear. I just sent her a private message, hoping she'd help me, but she explained she was only joking because her real power is only laying eggs! She said she lied about being able to warp reality because her lame powers made her feel inferior to those who are more powerful and what's more, this creep asked me whether I'd like to visit her. She proposed that she'd prepare a romantic dinner from her eggs for us! She's SICK!

**Cool_pheromone_dude:** Well, maybe making them disappear would be a bit too far reaching, they deserve a life even if they are so frigging DUMB and only flatscans. But did you ever wonder why some of them are such IDIOTS? I think someone of us must be controlling their minds and that's why.

**Telepathic?Schizo?Annie:** I don't believe this conspiracy theory. They are so stupid just by nature. Hmm, if what I have is telepathy not schizophrenia, then I'll do my best to learn to control my power and influence their minds. Artificial intelligence is better than natural stupidity.

**OCDJoe:** Aaaah, so my suspicions that all those telepathic freaks meddle with human heads are confirmed! And my shrink keeps telling me I just suffer from schizophrenia and OCD together! Now I know the truth, I'm going to contact the authorities about your board now, you gene jokes. FoH forever!

**Remover:** Nobody worry! It was only my cousin who is spending his school break with us. I forgot to close the site when I went out for a moment to the bathroom and he must have seen this then. I neutralized the bastard by removing his memories concerning this incident – but I also removed his memories on how to walk and talk, so when he comes back home his parents will have to learn how to deal with a fifteen year old BABY XD. I always use my power of deleting others' thoughts on those who piss me off, like my teachers.

**Mutie1:** We are grateful to you, but I think that was too extreme; you didn't need to be that cruel. And as for the idea of erasing the memory of your teachers – I'm dumbfounded. But I can't judge you too harshly – it would be ridiculous – disapproval from the guy who regularly uses his powers of shapeshifting to impersonate his math teacher. So far, this poor guy has already been brought up on charges of indecent exposure --twice--and been arrested four times for stealing women's underwear from a store. He's now famous in our whole town for admitting to everybody who will listen that he engages in bestiality with his dog. LOL! I don't even know if my teacher has a dog.

**LikeCarrieWhite:** Hello, guys, I'm back. I managed to jump out of my bedroom's window at the last moment. Luckily it wasn't my family; that would be just too creepy. Christ, I feel like a bitch in a heat. You would think I should have been used to strange stuff that happens to me every month because of my power, but no! What just happened to me was just way too weird even for my standards. You won't ever believe who was at the door--it was a zombie, a real zombie, surely from this cemetery near our house. No idea how he could be alive. No, I'm not on any drugs. You won't believe me, but I just had to share this with someone.

**Bacterium:** I can easily explain this to you. I live in your town and I was a lurker here for the last couple of weeks, but now I decided to take part in your discussion. My mutation is that my true form is a kind of living bacteria which needs hosts to survive. I stole a body from the graveyard which was still fresh enough to look human and not scare anybody and when I came too close to your house I felt something I never felt before. I just needed… you know. Sorry for scaring you.

**Cool_pheromone_dude:** I'd LOVE to have this power! You all know what I would do if I had it? I'm a big fan of that star who died a couple of months ago. If I were you, I would have possessed his body during his funeral, reviving him before the eyes of the gathered crowds. It would be sweet! It would be like at the funeral of Nicolae Carpathia from _Left Behind_. Yes, it would be fun. Who knows, maybe some new religion would hatch from this again?

**ScaredAndAlone:** If you mean that star I think you do, then let me tell you it would be a bad idea. Everybody would remember that video in which he pretended to be a zombie and think the zombie apocalypse was imminent. (As for me – I would willingly exchange a zombie for this old hag with tentacles who is still at my home.)

**LikeCarrieWhite:** Or you could just possess the Pope, controlling his mind to make him admit in public he's gay and an atheist. But hey, speaking of religions, did I tell you what kind of problem my best mutant buddy has? He has the ability to create duplicates of himself and uses them to have sex. But he is a Catholic so he has some pricks of conscience because of his religion. He doesn't know how to classify what he does – if it's incest or masturbation?

**Bacterium:** I think the days of my searching for new hosts are slowly getting near their end. Recently some woman I don't know, Selene Gallio contacted me, claiming she needed people just like me but she didn't want to reveal any details concerning the kind of the work I'd have to do for her. I'd accept her offer instantly if not for the fact that she doesn't seem to be quite in her right mind. You wouldn't believe me if I told you how old Selene told me she is, like 17, 000 years or something.

**Remover: **Oh, of course I have heard about this woman. Did she really tell you something that ridiculous? Poor Miss Gallio, she must have gone completely crazy, driven to despair by her boyfriend's death. Haven't you heard about this Wither guy who dated her? Recently he was found dead, all dried up, quite like someone sucked all his life energy out of him. It must have been some evil mutant who did it.

**Mike18:** Oooh, guys, you know what just happened? You know what? I just discovered my power! I can turn my feces into all kinds of flowers! I accidentally turned my poop into a rose. I finally found my power! Hooray!

**Telepathic?Schizo?Annie:** Well, congratulations on this. Now you really are one of us. What are you going to do with your power?

**FecalMatterBoy** (previously **Mike18**): Well, I'm going to produce some more roses and bring them to my grandma the next time I visit her. It will soften her up and make it easier for me to convince her to make you all disappear. I can't allow you all to live now that you know that my power is so… crappy.


	2. Chapter 2

By courtesy of Moviemom44 – the best of betas :) - I can hereby proudly introduce the second part of the story to you.

"**Mutant Message Board II" **(the knowledge of the first part **necessary**)

**TeLeKiNeSiS_rUlEs:** Isn't the net the best invention ever? If it didn't exist, I wouldn't have had a chance to ever know other mutants than me and my sister. My power is telekinesis and Laurie is pyrokinetic and we have devastated our whole house because of a hard time we have controlling our gifts. It bears an amazing resemblance to a battle field now but our overprotective parents only clench their teeth and don't want to let us go to the Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters!

**Mutant and Proud:** But why, for heaven's sake??? Sorry but it's very irresponsible of them.

**TeLeKiNeSiS_rUlEs: **They claim attending his school could be too dangerous because of all those anti-mutant bigots who may hover around it. They console us by telling us that we soon will master our mutant gifts on our own, even without Xavier's school. Laurie and I have written a letter to our president about this. I do hope it's going to help. I'm so very happy that a mutant finally has been chosen for this office. I never expected it would happen.

**Venomous: **Yeah, he's not only a good leader but also such a family man. My grandma goes into raptures over him because of it every time he's on TV. But the truth is that if not for the influence of his powerful relatives, who had a hand in the politics, he never would have been elected. At least, that's the rumor I heard.

**Ashley "Energy Blast": **It seems all old ladies love our president. Mine is always telling me I should be like him. He loves his own grandma very much and always talks about her with a great respect, telling everyone how she always helped him and that's it's thanks to her that he is the person he is now. But anyway, I can't understand why the original poster's old folks don't want him and his sister to attend Xavier's school so much. I heard a lot of positive things about it.

**SecondGenerationMutie: **Yup, my online friend says it's a really amazing place. I can't help giggling when she tells me about all those adventures she and her classmates had in there. Like when she used her power to increase the size of her body to massive proportions after her P.E. lesson and went in the shower like that. She must have weighed like 200 kilos at least then. This pervy guy from her class who was always using his ability to see through walls to peep at the girls taking showers must have ended up severely traumatized by what he saw, lol. My friend told me he apologized to all the girls. He swears now that he won't ever dare to use his power like that anymore.

**Ashley "Energy Blast": **OMG, I read this story on another mutant board once! Your friend must have a great sense of humor from what she writes in there, I admit. But personally the joke I liked best was when she persuaded her best friend, you know, this one who can control other people's bodily fluids, to use this power of hers on that girl from their school they didn't like. I laughed so hard while reading it! They had to take her to hospital immediately because the doctors thought it must be some new plague manifesting itself when all her bodily fluids emptied out of all her body orifices all at the same time! HAHAHA!!!

**Venomous:** You say she is able to control all of a person's bodily fluids? Really? Mine are venomous, that's my mutation. I wish I knew that girl, it would be my only chance to ever get a girlfriend.

**SecondGenerationMutie: **So you are like my mom in this respect, except that her fluids are also addictive. And I wondered for my whole childhood how come she always had so many male friends who kept visiting us all the time.

**Ashley "Energy Blast": **My parents are mutants too. Dad can excrete various smells depending on his mood and my mom is pyrokinetic. I wonder which power my younger siblings are more likely to inherit if any at all.

**Mutant and Proud: **Maybe a combination of both – super smelly combustible farts. That idea is even funnier than one I had about another married couple I know. He has a power of hydrokinesis and she can transform her body into a huge feline. She can also keep mental contact with cats. I know it shouldn't be a topic of jokes but every time I see their son, I imagine him in the future as a sadistic teen with the power to successfully drown kittens by sheer willpower.

**Venomous:** You are right, you shouldn't ever joke about such cruel things, moron! Let's change the topic, PLEASE. Has anybody maybe heard about any psychological therapy for mutants with powers that make their life difficult? Mine makes me feel very depressed.

**Ashley "Energy Blast": **I went to one last year when I had a hard time controlling my energy blasts and felt depressed because of it too but I was actually the only person in there who had a strong and usual power. Basically, the group therapy was targeted at those who had powers close to completely useless and felt cheated because of it. It was a strange experience. There was that man whose sole power was that he could make his hair explode and fall off. Or a boy whose ears were big – I mean – REAL big and he used them to fly, like Dumbo! But the most pathetic power of all belonged to some young woman who swore to us she could see her grandparents in their bathroom every time they went in there to relieve themselves, hahaha!!! That was at least what SHE claimed. I am not stupid enough to believe ANYONE'S clairvoyance would be limited only to such circumstances. She must have been lying to us to get attention. Nobody can ever have a power which would be so dumb.

**Embarassed Poster: **Hi, I'm new here. Well, our president admits himself he used to attend a group like that in his youth too. You know his powers aren't too impressive either. You know, I feel that soon I will need such a therapy myself. I am already at the end of my tether! Everybody can read my EVERY thought, regardless of how hard I try to block them from others. I myself can't read any thoughts of others though. It's so embarrassing, I feel like dying of shame. I wish I could at least read other people's minds… I could do so many things with that power…

**TeLeKiNeSiS_rUlEs: **Why the heck would you ever want to try to manipulate human minds? It's really wrong. Are you some evildoer or what? If so, I am very glad you can't do what you would like to!

**Embarassed Poster: **Calm down, man. I just would make people believe mutants aren't that bad, that's all.

**Ashley "Energy Blast": **That would actually be really great if you managed to contribute to this. Ordinary humans can sometimes have really strange ideas about us. For example recently my cousin asked me if I believed in little green men. I said I didn't and she said: And this is from the girl who can blast stuff! Well, if being a mutant makes you believe in every supernatural crap…

**SecondGenerationMutie: **For me personally, as important as it would be to root all those silly anti-mutant superstitions out of normal people's heads, it's just as important to find out if there is any truth to this new theory that says your life conditions and mental state at the time of manifestation have an effect on what power you actually acquire. Genetics has so many secrets that are still waiting being revealed.

**Venomous:** Such a connection definitively does exist, I'm sure. I know one guy who is a lazy couch potato. He's a telekinetic. He doesn't even need to move from his coach to go to the kitchen because his beer cans fly to him from the fridge on their own. I saw this with my own eyes.

**Embarassed Poster:**I think there must something to this theory, too. In my school there are a couple of mutants. A boy who was always very shy and had no friends recently came out as a mutant with the ability to create duplicates of himself. Or… did you watch the news yesterday? They were talking about those deformed mutants, the Morlocks, living in the sewers of New York. There was that guy who could alter the flesh of all living creatures, disfiguring them… he was called Masque. So there's this ugly girl who is a grade older than me. She is seriously unattractive and she always envied her pretty classmates. They stopped mocking her when it became clear she has the same power as this Masque guy from the news, hahaha.

**Mutant and Proud: **LOL! So this hydrokinetic woman from my neighborhood must have been into water sports! And no, I'm not talking about windsurfing now. I hope you know what I mean… Oh, you know what just came to my mind now when I'm pondering this issue? Imagine the circumstances in which our president could discover his power when he was young…

**SecondGenerationMutie: **Don't be vulgar. Why, for heaven's sake, do even mutants always have to make fun of this guy? He does everything to ensure mutants full human rights which we wouldn't have if not for his hard work in this field. I was never surprised more than when a mutant was elected. But I don't think it would have happened if his main political opponent hadn't suddenly withdrawn. People say he mysteriously disappeared with no trace, but there is always some crazy gossip. I think there was something seriously wrong with his opponent's health and he had to retire. Disappeared… Tell me another one… maybe someone is going to claim that politician was abducted by a UFO. But well, now I'm waiting impatiently for Steve, this moron from my class who is always mocking me and calling me names because I'm a mutant. He always saying I have caustic saliva and poisonous teeth. I don't but I would LOVE him to turn out to be a mutant with a mutation like that! It would sure teach him a thing or two about making fun of people. But the chance for something like that are small… MY power doesn't fit me for sure so certainly it doesn't ALWAYS work in that way. I can turn invisible but I'm an asthma sufferer and a heavy breather due to it.

**Venomous:** It's really strange to think some of us might even have not discovered their powers. Like an asexual person who is able to manipulate human libido. Or someone whose gift allows them to make their drawings come to life but this person has no talent at all in this field and never draws anything.

**Mutant and Proud: **This whole conversation reminds me of my experiences from the days of my earlier youth when I was trying to discover my powers. I wasn't invulnerable to flames nor could I digest poison. I couldn't control the mind of this dumb doctor who laughed at me at the hospital then. I couldn't even send her somewhere really far… like Africa or another place where people have a bigger sense of humor. I thought maybe I could become invisible but was convinced I couldn't when I sneaked into my hot neighbor's bathroom when she was taking a shower. I also learned that my ability wasn't self-healing when he brother beat the crap out of me for doing it.

**TeLeKiNeSiS_rUlEs:** Hey, my sister and I just got a letter from the President's chancellery. His secretary promised me our case aroused his attention and that he'd personally would take care of it! Yes, PERSONALLY! Can you imagine this?

**Mutant and Proud: **I wish you and your sister the best about it. I'm glad it finished well. Now I have some more respect for the president. But it doesn't change my opinion that his power is so silly and not fitting someone so powerful at all. Imagine: you are the man who is ruling the whole country but your sole power is turning your feces into flowers.


End file.
